Craving – noun: an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing.

Sam snapped the thick volume shut. Everyone these days had apps that told them the meaning of words, but she had always preferred the solidity of a dictionary. You could flip through a dictionary and find new words. In fact, it invited you to do so. Sam had always loved words.

Logophile – noun:  a lover of words

People underestimated words and the power they had if one knew how to wield them. Power over the self and power over others. Perhaps this way is better, thought Sam for people usually crave power. 

Megalomaniac – noun: a person who has an obsessive desire for power

Sam was not a megalomaniac. She had never craved power. Perhaps that’s why it was given to her. What do I crave? She asked herself. Love?  She flipped the pages of her dictionary until she found it. There were a lot of definitions.

Love – noun: a (1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>

No, one does not crave what one already has.

(2) :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers

Definitely not. Sam had always had no small amount of contempt for romantic and sexual relationships. She could never forget her father. And she could never forgive him.

(3):  affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

No, she did not crave this either. What good had affection ever done her?

(4): unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

Yes, this sounded more like something she would want. Did she crave it? No, no she did not. She had enough of it that her desire was quenched. Not love. I do not crave love. What, then? Peace?

Peace – noun: (1) a state of tranquillity or quiet: as

a :  freedom from civil disturbance 

b :  a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom <a breach of the peace>

(2) freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

No, not particularly. She liked peace, but she did not crave it. Love and peace. She was told these are the things most people crave. Aside from power. She craved neither. What did she crave? She did crave something. She could feel it gnawing at her. She could feel the intensity of her desire. She needed to know what it was for.

Sam started flipping back and forth through her dictionary, as she always did when she was anxious or unhappy, when she lost her grip on herself. Faster and faster, until her control returned. Her eye caught on something.

Knowledge – noun: awareness of something : the state of being aware of something

A small gasp escaped her lips. Yes! She thought. Yes, this was what she wanted. She realized now, it was what she had always wanted. She wanted to know, to understand, to be aware.

Awareness – noun: knowing and understanding a lot about what is happening in the world or around you

She craved awareness and that realization in itself brought awareness. Sam’s lips curled into a slight smile as she closed her eyes. She closed the dictionary, loosing a contented sigh.

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